Pairing: Chanyeol / Baekhyun
Genre: Romance, Fluff (gag me)
Synopsis: I had a dream last night. You told me you didn't want to marry him.
A/n: This was inspired off a postcard on the postsecret community that is basically what the summary says. Sorry for any typos. Ps: the ending is shit. Don't speak to me
In the words of numerous philosophical figures in the past, one’s happiness relies on oneself and their ability to express the thoughts and feelings held within them, yet most are bounded by expectations and limits. A handful of creatures in the world are either born with or eventually learn the ability of being courageous, standing up for one’s own desires, but in the pi graph of life, there lies a slice of individuals who never take the action to act.
Byun Baekhyun falls into a statistical group that never learns the courage to speak.
Waking up one morning, Baekhyun felt a sickly feeling in his stomach the moment he opened his eyes. No, he wasn’t sick. And no, he didn’t have a medical condition that foreshadowed an untimely death. What Baekhyun felt that morning was a piece of him wilting away at the thought of being Park Chanyeol’s best man for the following day.
The day passed by too quickly for Baekhyun to hold on to. He dreaded the future so much, the present seemed to have scurried right out from under him. Then Baekhyun reminded himself that time waited for no man---fool or no fool.
And it was true. Time was not a gentle giant willing to pause as it waits for an individual to catch onto their moment, their time of being. It was more like a game of tag that Time played, except by the rules of cruel nature, Time would always win and the player would always die unfulfilled.
Throughout that day, the day before the wedding of Park Chanyeol, Baekhyun began to prepare himself and to reconcile with his mistakes in the past.
The husband-to-be didn’t know who Byun Baekhyun was other than the fact that he was the best friend of the groom. To that fact, Baekhyun didn’t know how he felt about that; he didn’t know whether to feel relieved that the poor man didn’t know how the giant he was about to marry was the same man Baekhyun used to kiss and make love with a few years back, or feel slightly hurt that Chanyeol couldn’t confess their past together as if it was something to hide.
Throughout the day as he went through his check list of tasks such as picking up his tuxedo and shoes, Baekhyun left behind traces of the past as he went along. But before letting go of what once was, he remembered.
The reason why they broke up wasn’t Chanyeol’s fault in the first place. The giant that once towered over him was more than one person could ever ask for in a lifetime and Baekhyun, at the time and even in the present, knew how unworthy he was to ever have such a beautiful thing.
Although Chanyeol’s jokes fell flat, they always had an effect on everyone’s heart. His cooking was nowhere near spectacular, but they were tolerable, especially because of the fact that Baekhyun always knew he was doing it all out of love. In the winter, it was the giant’s arms bracing him from the wind, and in times of tragedy it was his broad shoulders that Baekhyun wept against.
They were together for three years until Baekhyun let it slip through his shaking fingers. In time, he didn’t know what he was going through. The most likely cause was some sort of depression that boiled to a point where all he wanted was to lash out--even on Chanyeol.
Splitting apart was not what the younger wanted. He begged before he angrily tried to change Baekhyun’s mind, to calm him, and to push for a more rational act than to simply cut all ties. Chanyeol had been desperate, but Baekhyun’s depressed mentality wouldn’t have any of it. Every face, every contact, every human being to him was no longer in his sight. Engulfed in his own shallow world, Baekhyun was locked in a place where no one but himself mattered.
Thinking back, Baekhyun realized how he couldn’t remember Chanyeol’s face back then. It was as if the moments when Chanyeol cried and pleaded for him to stay was roughly scratched from memory and all he could remember was himself--his selfish self.
It was the desire to be alone and the approach of hating everything about him, but placing the blame on everyone else that broke them apart, although in reality, it was only him that combusted into pieces. The fault was entire his, but Baekhyun, for the longest time, denied the fact and it wasn’t until it was too late for him to make amends that he began to see the light.
In a small coffee shop where Chanyeol worked, Baekhyun walked in one day, two months after the fall out, and did nothing, but apologize.
Chanyeol was frozen in his place the moment Baekhyun stepped inside, hoping that he had come to change his mind, and perhaps make restitution, but as the few words came out of Baekhyun’s lips, Chanyeol’s world began to stall once again.
For a while, Chanyeol waited, expecting more.
“I was out of line,” Baekhyun confessed, keeping his eyes steady. “I wasn’t mad at you. I was angry at myself. I’m sorry if I said anything that hurt you.”
A silence filled the gap where the giant had anticipated more words, more confessions, and more reconciliation. As the fingers around the white coffee cup tightened, Chanyeol fell upset, unsatisfied by the complete lack of effort and the failure of reality to live up to his expectations.
When he sensed that his time was up, Baekhyun had nodded before he turned to the door. And it wasn’t until he had pushed the glass opening that the giant’s voice overshadowed the sound of the store bell.
“That’s all you have to say?”
The brunet paused at the question, knowing full well that he wanted to say more and that the giant expected far greater than what he had put out, but as the wind of the autumn season blew against him, sheathing him in the cold embrace of Mother Nature, Baekhyun looked back and smiled.
“Thanks for the coffee,” were the words that fell their way from his tight lips before Baekhyun walked out, thinking it was for the best.
Baekhyun often wondered if that moment in the coffee shop was the best or worst decision he had ever made up to that point in his life. Chanyeol was more than he deserved and rather than to bring him down with his poor attitude, Baekhyun decided that it was best to let go of the one he loved, unable to bear the pain of hurting him.
When he thought about the condition of his own happiness concerning Chanyeol on the way home that afternoon, he took a gander at the suit and shoes he had picked up for the wedding and realized that he didn’t feel a drop of happiness knowing that when he would stand at the end of the aisle, Chanyeol’s eyes would not be looking at him, but at another man whom Baekhyun secretly yearned to be.
Unbeknownst to his conscious mind, Baekhyun found himself praying for a sign that evening, but immediately stopped when he realized it. There was a selfish greed in him that was clawing for the light of hope, for the fantasy that perhaps the wedding would break down into a disaster so broken that the couple would not follow through. The moment Baekhyun found himself with these thoughts, he felt a spark of hate for himself again.
He lived in a paradox, a world of contradictory desires and wills. A side of him wanted Chanyeol back, to have the giant break the bonds he had built with another and return back to their world together, yet, a sadder side of him lived. There was a darkness within his mind that constantly kept beating him with the reminder that Chanyeol was happier without him, that he would be the most despicable monster on the face of the earth if he were to tear Chanyeol away from the man he was to marry, only to keep him trapped in a shallow well, unhappy, yet kept for Baekhyun’s own monopoly.
Maybe it was a prayer answered from above or the devil conceding to his selfish wants, but that night, as Baekhyun was sitting on his bed, contemplating and preparing himself for the morning to come, his cellphone rang. The time that it took for him to answer when he saw the caller ID was painstakingly slow. Seeing Chanyeol’s name on the screen was like a test to Baekhyun’s power of will, a test that he failed.
Baekhyun slanted his shoulders as he listened to the giant’s voice. “It’s eleven o’clock, you idiot. What’re you doing calling me? Shouldn’t you get your beauty sleep?”
“I can’t sleep, Baek.”
The voice was raspy, but the brunet couldn’t figure out why. He merely continued to sit in silence as Chanyeol spoke. “Well, you need to.”
Sighing, Baekhyun fell back on his bed with the phone on his ear. “So, what?” he chuckled. “As your best man, should I do something to put you to sleep?”
“No, you don’t have to…” the giant replied weakly. “I’m just…I don’t know. I never should’ve called you.”
Taken aback, Baekhyun’s lips drew into a thin. “Oh…”
“I never should’ve called you because you’re the entire reason why I can’t go to sleep.”
The confession hit the brunet by surprise, making his blood suddenly run colder through his veins. “Chanyeol,” he said softly, “no.”
“I’m getting cold feet.”
Baekhyun’s breathing became uneven as he heard the words. “Then wrap yourself in a blanket or dip them in warm water,” he replied as if to brush the statement off.
There was a pause on the other line. “You know…I thought you’d do something.”
“What’re you talking about, idiot?” Baekhyun said.
“Two years,” Chanyeol emphasized. “I thought you’d come back. I thought that you’d finally get the guts to do something if you saw me dating someone else, but you didn’t. Then, I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, but god damn it, Baek, I thought getting engaged was enough to push you, but it wasn’t. I’m going to stand at the end of the fucking aisle tomorrow, getting married to someone who I wish was you.”
“You’re so stubborn,” he heard Chanyeol say as his voice grew angrier in a way that tore at Baekhyun’s heart. “I wanted you to come back to me on your own, because chasing after you wouldn’t have done anything. I have loved you long enough to know how you are, Baek, so I know that your pride was the only thing holding you back. I know, because the moment I told you I was engaged, I saw something in your eyes die that day, but all you did was congratulate me.”
“What else was I supposed to do, then?”
“Told me not to marry him!” Chanyeol cried. “Anything, Baek. You could’ve uttered one word that told me you didn’t want that and I would’ve dropped everything, but you didn’t. And now, here I am, in a bathroom. I can’t sleep because I’m thinking about you, but ironically, I’m talking to the one who’s going to give me dark circles tomorrow.”
Baekhyun wallowed in silence for a short while before he finally asked, “Then why’re you calling me, Channie?”
Upon hearing the old endearment, giving the young man a spark, Chanyeol’s voice broke. “Because you’re the one I’m supposed to be marrying tomorrow.”
He felt his heart give way and his reasons wilt as he curled into a ball and fell apart. Maybe it was the surge of emotions, regret, guilt, and want flowing together as one current that finally moved Baekhyun from his rock of pride, but he spent the late hours of the night crying, apologizing, and repeatedly telling Chanyeol all that he couldn’t before, that he loved him to no ends. And much to his heart’s happiness, the night was consumed by whispering and speaking to one another, replacing lost time in their words and promises for a better tomorrow.
The human body was a cruel vessel, but the mind was the greatest tormentor.
As Baekhyun woke up the next morning, he found himself sleeping underneath the covers in a position far different from how he remembered falling asleep. The memory of falling asleep one way and the fact of waking up in another was a contradictory blaring in his face that Baekhyun couldn’t tear his mind away from until he checked his cellphone’s call log and saw that the last person that had called him was the tuxedo rental business.
It was as if someone had entered Baekhyun’s home and tore down all the wallpaper, leaving the home uninviting and bare and leaving him feeling so empty and unfinished that his entire body shook from the overwhelming heartache that he felt.
It wasn’t a minute after realizing that he had fallen asleep to a fantasy that his mind concocted that the device rang and the only man that kept Baekhyun chained to the green demon in him had flashed on the screen.
The desire to answer was not present, but once he reminded himself that he was the best man of the perfect guy to be wed that day, Baekhyun forced himself to take the call.
Baekhyun stifled a cry at the happiness of the one on the other line. “Good morning, Chanyeol,” he replied in a voice that he tried to maintain as fine.
“Guess who’s getting married today?” the giant said, laughing.
The brunet considered himself strong, but it wasn’t enough. He had to bite his lips so excruciatingly hard to keep himself from sobbing that Baekhyun tasted blood. “You, you idiot!” Baekhyun forced himself to burst despite how much it destroyed him to act to the very end. “Have you forgotten already? That’s disappointing.”
As he listened to the male chuckle on the other end, Baekhyun closed his eyes.
“So, do you have any final words for me before I tie the knot?” the giant asked very teasingly.
The giant never would’ve known what the brunet wanted to say. The question was a given opportunity to speak that Baekhyun could’ve taken, but he didn’t. When given the chance to open and spill his box full of words and possibilities that could have been, the brunet decided to close the box and hide it away for the final time.
In the place of words more fitting that could have been said, Baekhyun merely smiled against the pain in his chest and laughed it all away as he said, “Congratulations.”
Two years hadn’t changed anything, and he should have known that it was all too much to yearn for a change in the stubbornness of the idiot that he had been silently clinging to for the last five years of his life.
Chanyeol’s entire body shook as his eyes stared at the cellphone in his hand. His eyes threatened to give in to the need to overflow and spill tears down his face, but he fought it. The water that would have streamed down from his eyes wouldn’t have been due to sadness or mourning for the loss of a love, but rather because of the angriness and frustration of the other’s complete pigheadedness.
He should have known, but in a way, Chanyeol already knew. Baekhyun was never the one to make the first move.
Just as he stood up from his seat, a knock came from the door and the man who he had promised himself heartlessly under false pretentions to had stuck his head inside, beaming at him with smile. “Hello.”
“Kris,” Chanyeol said despite the fact that the name still felt unnatural to his lips.
“Came by to check in on you,” his fiancé said before nervously laughing. “Anyways, I guess I can’t see you anymore until the wedding.”
“Bad luck,” Chanyeol commented.
“Yeah, well… I should go. I’ll see you soon.”
Chanyeol merely gave the man a small smile until the latter left the room. He stood in the empty space for a while until the ticking of the clock inside bore him to insanity as it reminded him that although time was everlasting, life was not.
Silently sorry, Chanyeol slipped the ring off his finger and climbed out of the window, running to where his stubborn idiot was.