summary: Chanyeol goes back in time to kill a chicken, but he finds more trouble than he signed up for.
A/n: brought back through unreasonable popular demand
"Chanyeol! Be careful!" Baekhyun cried as he hugged his big giant one last time before letting him jump through the portal.
"It's okay," Chanyeol assured, running his fingers through Baekhyun's hair. "I'll be back once I kill Franchesca..." Then he dipped down and took Baekhyun by the lips before slowly parting. "Don't you dare cheat on me while I'm gone."
"I won't...Just don't alter time too much that you'll end up non-existent in this time period, you stupid!"
"Don't worry, Baekkie. I'll be back."
With that, Chanyeol turned away from Baekhyun and charged into the unknown.
Chanyeol felt like he fell from the sky, but he really didn't. As if by the work of anti-gravity, he jumped out of an old well. He looked around. Then he looked at his time-watch. It was the year 1639. Perfect.
He jumped off the well's circumfrence and took in the surroundings. He was on a farm. He cursed to himself. How the fuck was he going to find that chicken butt on a farm? How--
Chanyeol froze. He felt the presence of another being...another animal. He turned his head.
"Well cluckity cluck cluck cluck, bitch."
"Fucking...Franchesca, you made yourself pretty damn easy to find," Chanyeol mocked.
"Well cluckity cluck cluck fuck you, cluck cluck cluck."
"Hm, you seem pretty cocky, don't you?" Chanyeol sneered. "Heh, let's see about that."
All of a freaking sudden, Chanyeol reached into his pocket and pulled out his weapon. Zing!!!
"Fuck yeah, Franchesca," Chanyeol said as he waved around his light saber. "Now, prepare to die--"
"Stop!" A voice cried. "Who do you think you are!? This is my farm!"
Chanyeol spun around. The man looked familiar...he looked like one of his friends in the modern time period...then it dawned on him. This was Onew! His friends great great great great great great grandfather!
"Who da fuck do you think you are coming on here and trying to kill one of my farm animals!"
"Heheh Cluck cluck cluck."
"You don't understand!" chanyeol pleaded. "I have to! I have to kill this one!"
"No! I've got enough bull poop from the emperor. I don't need you killing my chicken. Especially...especially not Franchesca."
"Fra...you know?" Chanyeol asked, glaring.
"Yes! I know! To me, Franchesca is precious! You understand!? You can't kill her!"
"She's just a chicken!"
"Onew!!! What's going on out there!" a voice from inside the hut called.
"Nothing!!" Onew called back, but it was too late. His girlfriend came out. Then she burst into tears.
"It's about the chicken isn't it?"
"Ma'am, you don't understand! I have to kill it!" Chanyeol cried.
"Do it! Do it already! I hate that piece of meat! Everyone keeps shipping my boyfriend with it and it sucks butt so much, it feels like someone just punched me in the boob! Ow!"
"Baby come back!" Onew cried as he ran after his girlfriend back into the hut.
"Cluckity cluck cluck pussy."
"Shut up Franchesca," Chanyeol demanded. "Now where were...."
Once again he was stopped as the grounds shook and the earth began to open.
"Cluckity cluck cluck fuck it's satan cluck."
"That's not Satan, Franchesca, you dumb chick....That's....that's..."
"Fuck yeah bitch. Thatan Thehun," Sehun announced as his volcanic throne came from the ground.
"Satan Sehun!!!" Chanyeol screamed. His knees became weak and they fell to the ground. Then he fisted the ground with a fist.
"That'ths the name!"
"Cluckity cluck cluck fuck!" Franchesca wobbled her fat self away, but Sehun sent his horn dogs after her.
"I need this'th bitch."
"No!!!" Chanyeol screamed. "I need her! I need to kill Franchescha!"
"Too late!" Satan Sehun summoned his trident and stabbed Franchesca. Franchesca turned into ashes and got sent to hell. "Later Bitch"
Chanyeol wasn't about to let Franchesca go to Hell without him. No. She'd be back in Hell alright. After he sent her there. He leaped forward and jumped into the underworld just as the ground began to close up.
Unfortunately for Chanyeol, when he jumped in, his crotch had landed on Satan Sehun's face.
"Get your scrotums out of my face, peasant!! They smell!"
"Give me back Franchesca!"
"Fuck you I need her soul!"
"What for, Satan!!?"
Satan Sehun couldn't breathe. Hell was humid and Chanyeol's balls crushed up against his face wasn't helping his respiratory. "The End of the World, you idiot! I'm Thatan Thehun! I've got a reputation to keep up!!"
"Reputation? REPUTATION!?" Chanyeol screamed. Whenever Chanyeol screamed, he unintentionally thrusted his hips forward, pushing his 21st century crotch in 17th century Satan Sehun's mouth. "Your reputation is shot to hell, Satan!"
"I live in fucking hell, you giant cock!"
Finally the throne touched down on Hell land. Chanyeol jumped off. He turned and saw Franchesca being dragged by the Horn Dogs off to wherever.
"Cluck! CLuck! Oh my cluck!!"
Chanyeol began to run after her until all of a sudden, his clothes dissolved and he was naked. Chanyeol, utterly frustrated, fell on the hot ground, screaming, "$49.99, Satan Sehun!!!! Ivy Club clothing and now. it's. gone!!"
"You've got a nice bod, peasant," Satan Sehun sassed. "If I didn't have a lover already, I'd get with it."
"Stop trying to flirt with me, Satan Sehun!"
"Oh? I can do whatever the hell I want." Suddenly Satan Sehun levitated over to Chanyeol. Then, they started frenching so hard, Chanyeol's tongue was burnt right off by Satan Sehun's. Sehun had to make him a brand new one.
Coming back to his senses, Chanyeol realized he just cheated on Baekhyun with the devil himself.
Out of nowhere, a beautiful man came running. His blonde hair was flowy like spaghetti, but not the kind from Jolly Bee, but the kind from Olive Garden. His smile was as bright as the fires surrounding them. His frame was perfect like the second word in the movie poster "Pitch Perfect".
"That's my lover," Satan Sehun announced. "Luhan."
Luhan...Luhan...Luhan! Chanyeol recognized him! Luhan was a scientist in 1890 who was the first to ever try and conduct a time machine! When he tried to go back in time, he disappeared. No one knew where he went...
"You're Luhan! Scientist Luhan!"
"How does he know me?" Luhan, the naked lover with spaghetti-like hair, asked. His penis was sticking out, but Chanyeol and Satan Sehun was cool with it because it wasn't hard or anything.
"I'm from--" Chanyeol stopped. Was it wise to reveal who he was? No. Not to damn Satan it wasn't. "I'm from Didney World."
"Didney World?" Satan Sehun asked. "Never been there."
"One day you will, you little shit," Chanyeol growled, "But right now, I need Franchesca!"
"I need her more, you cock! Franchesca is the most evil creature in this universe. With her soul, I could power evil for 1 billion years!!!"
"How exactly do you plan on using her soul huh? HOW! TELL ME HOW, SATAN!"
"I'll feed her to The Soul Eater, bitch," Satan Sehun said, getting all thug. "He loves souls. But guess what he loves more? CHICKEN."
"Tell me the name of this chicken-loving Soul Eater, you bastard," Chanyeol wheezed.
"Kai," Satan Sehun said proudly. "And guess how he likes his chicken?...............FRIED."
"How convienient!" Chanyeol angrily admitted. "You live in hell and you can fry anything in this fire-pit!!"
"I know right?" Satan Sehun agreed. Then he turned to Luhan, his lover, and tickled his nuts. "Baby, I just tickled your nuts, can you feel that?"
"Teehee, yesss," Luhan giggled. "Stahp youuu~"
Chanyeol stood and watched as Satan Sehun fiddled with Luhan's nucksack in front of him. Strangely, it reminded him of the time when Baekhyun and him were rubbing coconuts in their time in Hawaii.
"If you don't mind, I have an objective to complete."
Satan Sehun stopped. He stopped in the midst of gripping Luhan's constricted sack with one hand. "Tell you what. Be my guest for a week--"
"A-ah! Sehun-ah!" moaned Luhan, under nutsack pressure.
"--and I will give you Franchesca."
Chanyeol glared. He signed up to kill that foster-farm bitch, not to stay and be the guest to the devil and 1890's professor Luhan!
At that moment, Satan Sehun's hand constricted Luhan's penor too much that Luhan jizzed.
Luhan's cum was white...just like Baekhyun's.... "But show me Franchesca first! I have to know that that hormone-feed bitch is still alive!!"
Satan Sehun proceeded to lead Chanyeol throughout Hell. On the way, they passed by some Hell blocks.
"What is that?!"
Satan Sehun looked. "My girlscouts. I call them Saesangs."
"They look fucking rabid!"
"Yeah. Look. That one's titties are creating foam!!"
"Not as disgusting as that one creating foam with their butthole!"
Satan Sehun moonwalked Chanyeol deeper and deeper into hell until they reached a big glass showing room.
"What the fuck is in here, Satan Sehun!?!"
"Look! Look with your special eyes, you dumb fuck!"
Then Chanyeol peaked in. He saw Kai, the soul eater, dancing around Franchesca. Franchesca was enjoying it. Her chicken legs were spread far apart. Chanyeol could hear Franchesca's amusement.
"Oh cluck cluck cluck cluck CLUUUCK CLUUUUUUUUCK!!"
"Look! Look!" Satan Sehun pointed.
Chanyeol looked. Chanyeol saw. Chanyeol was traumatized. In between Franchesca's legs was an egg, ready to be pushed out. Then Kai hip thrusted his way towards her and began rubbing her breasts...her chicken breasts....
Then all of a sudden--
Franchesca orgasmed out an egg.
The egg fell and the yolk spread on the ground. Kai swiped his fingers through the yokly liquid and then rubbed it all over Franchesca's beak.
"Taste yourself, baby....Taste yourself..."
Chanyeol joined the devil bare-ass naked. He had forgotten to ask Satan Sehun for some sort of material.
"Satan Sehun, I need clothes!"
Satan Sehun stared into Chanyeol's soul and then to his penis "Nothin's gonna cover that."
Chanyeol's penis was gigantic, but at the moment, it was limp. Sehun's nipples twisted themselves and his other six nipples were lactating. Dear god, they wanted to see that thing hard.
Meanwhile, Franchesca kept getting more and more seduced by soul-eater Kai.
"Oooohhooo Cluck...cluckcluckcluckcluck CLUUUCK"
Kai kept rubbing her chicken breasts.
"Cluck..Cluck me Kai"
"Baby, not yet."
Kai began to rub Franchesca's drum sticks. "Ooohoooh i just wanna bite into you."
Franchesca was about to make another egg. She held back. She took Kai under her wing and pushed his face on her chicken breasts. "Cluck! Cluck!!"
Then Kai started to suck on her breasts so hard, feathers fell out.
"Ooohhooooocluckity cluck cluuuuuuck."
"Fuck this, Franchesca."
Kai unbuckled his belt and pulled out his hard penor. He was hard...for a chicken. Damn, it was hot.
He took Franchesca's small head and thrusted his dick in her foster-farm's face.
Franchesca opened her beak, but she could only go so far before her beak couldn't open anymore. "Cluck...Cluck cluck Kai.."
"What's that suppose to mean---oooohhhh-o-o-oh o-h god," Kai moaned.
Franchesca couldn't give him a proper blow job so she began to nip. She began to nip at Kai's big man penis.
"Ohhh g-god Franchesca. You're so good at this oooohhhh."
Franchesca came again.
At the dinner table, Chen and Tao were brought out. Chen was wearing nothing while Tao was wearing a stringy thong.
"Dance, my dance machine," Satan Sehun ordered.
Chen began to twerk. He twerked the air. He twerked Tao. He twerk on the wall of Hell. He twerked so hard, his penor made a flapping noise. The twerking became so vigorous and violent it began to shake the dining hall and eventually the earth.
"Ohhh devil, oooooooh my DEVIL!!!" Satan Sehun moaned. "Fuck this chen. Fuck this and your twerking oooohhh."
Luhan stood up from his chair and orgasmed on his food before he cried and ran out. "THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS!" he cried in shame.
"He always orgasms on his food?" Chanyeol asked.
"He only orgasms on food when Chen twerks the shit out of that ass."
All of a sudden a rumble came.
"Shit," Satan Sehun cursed.
"WHAT?" Chanyeol asked.
"It's him again. UGH."
"Satan Seeehuuun," A voice from the heavens called.
"WHAT DA FUCK DO U WANT HEAVENLY SUHO," Satan Sehun screamed up at the ceiling.
"Teeeell Cheeen to stooop tweeerking...he just ruuuined my paaaarty."
"Fuck you and your party, gramps!"
Then a different voice came on the heavenly intercom.
"YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP U LITTLE SHIT BEFORE I GO DOWN THERE AND TEACH YOU A FUCKING LESSON AND GET YOU OUT OF YOUR LITTLE HIDE AWAY HELL AND GIVE YOU SOME SUNLIGHT YOURE STARTING TO LOOK LIKE A TUMBLR USER."
"Yeah YOU BETTER OKAY ME."
Then the voices stopped.
"Who was that......"
"That was Krisus....." Satan Sehun mumbled.
All of a sudden, Kai came running in with egg yolk all over him.
"I've never been with a girl like this in my life!!!"
"Why do you have---" Chanyeol began to ask.
A voice came from behind. "Oh cluck cluck cluck cluck cluuuuuuck♥"
"Ohhh baby ready for round 5?" Kai began to leave. "Chen twerk again. The vibration helps my game."
Then Chen began to twerk and twerk aaaall night long. The shaking made Chanyeol's penor bump around causing it to be hard, making Satan Sehun's dreams come true ♥
Chanyeol had been in hell for 3 days and all the shit that happened was definately not in the contract he signed in 2013.
Satan Sehun was holding a penis party. Chanyeol had to help with the invitations which were real dicks.
"Where'd you find all these...dicks..."
"Tao has a special power. He regrows a dick every hour so the old one just falls off. I have so many dicks around here sometimes I don't know what to do with them."
"Give them to someone else."
I do. I give them to Krisus, but he goes through them pretty fast."
Confused, Chanyeol asked, "What does he do with them???"
Satan Sehun shrugged as he continued to carve 'You're invited to the Penis Party of the Century' on the fallen dick. "I dont know, but sometimes I hear that fucker screaming 'PUT YOUR WUSHU STICK IN MEEE" when I'm trying to sleep down here. It pisses me off."
"I still don't get it. If you give him multiple dicks theeen--"
"YOU DONT FUCKING GET IT DO YOU!?" Satan Sehun yelled, frustrated with Chanyeol's lack to comprehend. He threw Tao's dick in his face. The inanimate dick cumed and twitched on the table. "HIS ASSHOLE EATS COCK, you stupid idiot! HAve you seen his asshole!?"
Satan Sehun summoned his trident which summoned a photobook. "LOOK."
For sure Satan Sehun had a photo of Krisus' asshole...and it had teeth.
Chanyeol had a problem. He was beginning to miss Baekhyun. He missed the way Baekhyun would call him to bed because his mating call was unique. Baekhyun would get on all fours and crane his head up to the ceiling while touching his nipples in circles.
"Aynako Daddy!" he'd say in a foreign tongue before wailing like a killer whale being fucked under the ocean by another killer whale. "AIYEEEEEEEEK!!! AIYAAAAHOMYGODAAAAWWWWW!!!"
When he heard that noise, Chanyeol knew Baekhyun was ready to mate. He would hear him across the house and Chanyeol would run his way to the bedroom where Baekhyun was imitating whales.
Chanyeol imitated whales too. He had a big dick. He had a dork bigger and sharper than Poseidon's trident. Baekhyun could play Ariel all he wanted, he was still getting mated like a whale.
At the Penis party, Chanyeol saw why it was called a Penis party. Once all the guests arrived, Satan Sehun took everyone's ability to speak and gave that power to everyone's penis. The people who had vaginas had to force themselves to fart if they wanted to talk.
It wasnt long before Chanyeol's penis started feeling left out.
"Yo Chanyeol Penus is handsome," Chen Penus said to Tao Dick.
Tao Dick said "I know. He's just a dork!"
"Do you think Chanyeol Penus gets alot of dates with Asshole Tunnel and Vagina Hole?" Chen Penus asked.
"Let me ask something," Tao Dick replied. "Hey Krystal Clear-Vagina, would you ever invite Chanyeol Penus over?"
Krystal Clear-Vagina farted. It was a yes.
"I'm jealous," Chen Penus said.
"Me too," Tao dick replied. "I wish I was really popula--AHH !! Ahhhhhh!!!!! It's happening again!!!"
"Good bye Chen Penus! Ahh!! Master is growing out another dick--I must leave--ahhh!!!"
Then Tao Dick fell off and Tao Cock took his place.
"I'm Tao Cock."
"Hello," Chen Penus greeted shyly.
"What is that?"
"That was Tao Dick..."
"Oh..." Tao Cock's slit opens up. "I see someone. Who is THAT?"
"That's Krisus," Chen Penus explained.
"Why is he squatting over Tao Dick?"
"He's eating it through his meat grinding asshole."
Then they heard Kris Rod say, "Yumyumyum."
Satan Sehun was angry.
It was day 4 of Chanyeol's visit in hell. He had to stay for a week and he couldn't wait to get out of hell. At the moment, he was caught up in a lover's squirrel.
The squirrel from hell had fucked Luhan with its nuts and Satan Sehun had walked in on his lover being ravaged by the rodent. Before Luhan could explain his sudden lust for the critter, Satan Sehun stabbed him with his giant fork sword and had Luhan thrown into the dungeon to be tortured for betraying his dead heart.
After Luhan was thrown in the underworld of the underworld, Satan Sehun looked for comfort. He tried to get comfort from Chen, but Chen couldn't stop the booty. The booty kept twerking and twerking and Satan Sehun couldn't stand being sad with two buns constantly vibrating him,
Then he tried to seek comfort from Tao, but Tao's ever falling dicks kept making thuds on the floor.
Satan Sehun couldn't handle it. The thuds reminded him of the times when the nuts hit against Luhan's entrance. The squirrel's nuts.
Crying no tears, but crying on the inside, Satan Sehun ran in Chanyeol's arms.
"Human, tell me what I'm supposed to do!!!" he screamed. "My heart!! My heart is breaking!!"
"I came for the chicken--"
"FUCK THE CHICKEN, YOU ASS! FUCK IT!" Clawing Chanyeol's face, Satan Sehun forced a kiss on him.
Chanyeol wasn't into it. He remembered BAekhyun's mating call and didn't like how Satan Sehun's tongue tasted like the souls of bitches. Pushing him off, Chanyeol stepped back. "Go back to Luhan!"
"He hurt me! I gave him a place in hell, the opportunity to fuck me til the end of time, and he goes off with a fucking rodent I got him for his birthday three years ago as a pet!"
"Where's he right now?" Chanyeol asked. "Make up with him!"
"He's in the torture room. He's getting picked."
"They're pulling his pubic hair out one by one you stupid fucking prick!" Satan Sehun cried with sad eyes. "His beautiful...bountiful hair. He's getting what he deserves."
Before Chanyeol could say anything, Satan Sehun mourned the loss of his lover's rug.
"So brisk! so crispy! So LOOONG! He let me braid it twice a week. We often role played during sex. 'Luhan! Luhan! Let down thy long ass pubic braid!' I'd say! Oh, I miss it, human! I will miss the braid!"
"It doesn't have to be gone if you stop this madness," Chanyeol said consulting him.
Satan Sehun shook his head. "No. He needs to be shaved and waxed. I want him to feel bald and stripped..." Then he whispered, "Like what he did to my soul..."
"But you have no soul..."
"I AM a soul. I am soul itself."
Then out of nowhere, Kyungsoo the jazz player from hell began to play smooth ass soulful jazz because he wanted to.