Genre: Slight Angst
Warning: Terribly written and full of lies.
Summary: Everything was at the tip of his tongue.
A/N: This was inspired by 2 postcards I found. Enjoy it. Bye.
The first snow fall of the season came as unexpected as Oh Sehun’s realization that he was really truly and deeply in love with his best friend. As the change in weather unveiled a new season, so did his personal revelation.
Denial was shot through the window and never seen again. He didn’t need to question why his heart raced like he was on a caffeine high every time his best friend came around or why the sun came out when it was raining offensively hard during the height of the monsoon season.
It all made sense and questions were no longer relevant.
One of Sehun’s faults was his passive personality as well as his cowardice. Often times he would allow whatever was happening to just happen. Intervention was almost never an option, but it wasn’t because he never cared to intervene. Often times he was too scared to speak up.
Too scared of what might happen to reality if he changed it with his words, Sehun never spoke much.
Compared to the bright sunshine that his love was, Sehun was a gray palate of colors. And although he knew his love was genuine, too scared to speak and too self-conscious of taking the first step towards internal happiness, he let his love go.
One morning he was the best friend of the only boy he’d ever loved, and the next, he was the best friend of the boy he willingly lost.
Watching his best friend fall in love with another man silently murdered him on the inside. Every smile to the happy couple pierced a bleeding hole in his heart.
Although black and gray colored Sehun’s world, his world was becoming painfully white as even the shades of dark began to wash away with every dry tear that refused to physically fall from his eyes.
Luhan was the best and worst thing that God had ever created and put in front of Sehun.
His laugh and the way his eyes twinkled in the sun jerked Sehun out of his bland world and into life. But although Luhan possessed the most beautiful eyes Sehun had ever seen, they were completely blind to the sadness buried behind Sehun’s features.
During the last Christmas of their high school year, Sehun watched as Luhan came to school with presents, undoubtedly for the boyfriend that Sehun wished he was. And although it pained him to do so, Sehun met him halfway the school yard and carried the gifts for him.
“Thank you, Sehun,” Luhan said as he smiled and fixed his scarf. “I shouldn’t have brought them all at once, huh?”
Sehun gently smiled. “You should’ve just called me earlier. I would’ve carried it all for you then.”
“I know,” Luhan nodded slightly. “But they’re for Jongin. I didn’t want to burden you.”
“You’ll never burden me.”
“I don’t want to put that assertion to the test,” Luhan laughed for a bit before he slowly stopped and gave Sehun a solemn look. “I didn’t get you a present yet…”
Luhan gave him a look before looking back at the school building as they closed in. “I wasn’t sure what to get you.”
“What I want isn’t available.”
Glancing up towards the sky, Luhan hummed. “Well, I’m sure I can find it online if it’s not available in stores, right?” Grinning, Luhan closed his eyes. “Tell Santa Luhan what he can get for you, Sehun,” he teased.
Sehun turned his attention to Luhan and it began again. He felt the bitter feeling of awe and happiness only to be doused with the reminder that Luhan was off limits and untouchable for a person as colorless as him.
“I’m fine with anything.”
“You don’t have to be modest.”
Snorting, Sehun shook his head. “I’m just saying that what I want isn’t available. I know I’m not going to get it, so I’ll settle for what I can get.”
Luhan snapped his eyes in Sehun’s direction. “Oh Sehun, tell Santa Luhan what you wa--”
Sehun stopped walking. “You know what, Santa Luhan?” he said. “Tell me what you want. You buy gifts for everybody. Rarely does anybody ever get you one. So come on. Tell me what you want…” He trailed off as he felt himself waver because of the way Luhan’s eyes were on him. “Please…?”
It wasn’t because he was desperate and clawing at the need to be needed, but Sehun held his breath. Perhaps Luhan would reply by saying, “I want you”. A response like that would have been out of the blue, but the fantasy warmed Sehun’s heart before it burnt it dark as charcoal.
Touched by the gesture, Luhan softened his smile. “A scarf. Perhaps you can get me a scarf much warmer and better than this one,” he said, laughing as he tugged on the one around his neck. “I’ve had this one for years. I haven’t gotten around to getting a new one.”
Fantasies were just fantasies, and Sehun cursed himself every day for living in them.
Smiling, Sehun nodded as he began to walk again. “I’ll get you ones that match your eyes.”
“Well, what color are my eyes, then?” Luhan chuckled.
It was a stupid question to Sehun.
There were basic words to describe color such as “black” or “brown”, but Sehun could think of a thousand words to describe the complicated color of Luhan’s eyes. In the winter, they appeared dark, but during the summer was Sehun’s favorite season to glance in Luhan’s direction because of the way the sun’s light enhanced the color hiding beneath the shadows.
Pursing his lips, Sehun shrugged. When they got to the school building, he balanced the gifts with one hand as he pulled the door open for Luhan to step in. Once inside, he pretended to be indifferent.
“I think your eyes are brown,” he said. “I think.”
Christmas came around, but Sehun didn’t feel so much as a pinch of cheer. When he found the scarf for Luhan, he took extra care in wrapping it despite being aware of the fact that the paper would just be torn apart in the end.
By the time he was done, it was snowing lightly when he looked out the window to check the conditions. After bundling himself up in a coat, scarf, hat and gloves, he took his present under his arm and left his house, walking his way to Luhan’s.
Christmas should’ve been spent with family, but Sehun had no plans until later that evening for his family’s annual Christmas dinner. Figuring that he had time to spare, he decided it wasn’t much of an out of the blue moment to just drop by Luhan’s house considering how Luhan’s family practically considered him as a second son.
After he knocked on the door, Sehun waited patiently for it to open and for Luhan’s mother to welcome him in, but instead, he was met face to face with Luhan’s boyfriend.
Sehun pursed his lips. “Hey.”
There was a small pause for a moment before Jongin smiled and moved aside. “You want to come in?”
Hesitating for a moment, Sehun shook his head. “No. It’s Okay.” Looking down at his hands, he inwardly sighed and held it out to Jongin. “I came by to give Luhan this.”
“For him?” Jongin gave him a look before turning his head back. “Luhan, Sehun’s here for you--”
“No, it’s okay!” Sehun said, putting his hands in front of him. “I just came to drop it off.”
“I think it’d be better if you gave it him personally,” Jongin said with a smile. “You should come inside. It’s cold.”
“I’m fine,” Sehun gently persisted. “Can you just give this to him--”
Pushing Jongin slightly off to the side, Luhan appeared by the doorway. Even in the world’s ugliest sweater that he had ever seen, Sehun still thought that he was beautiful.
“Sehun!” Luhan cried. “Come in!”
“No, no, I really can’t,” Sehun said, persisting on. “Here, Luhan. Take it.”
Taking the gift that was thrusted into his hands, Luhan glanced at it before looking back up. “What’s this?”
“It’s your present,” Sehun replied.
Feeling the gift, Luhan quirked his lips. “What is it?”
Sehun blinked. “The scarf that you wanted, remember?”
It took a second, but then Luhan recalled. “Right, the scarf. Thank you,” he smiled. Then he tilted his head. “Do you really not want to come in and stay for a while? We’re playing board games right now, you know.”
“Are you sure?”
“My family has something going on at the house right now, so I need to go home.”
Slowly nodding, Luhan let it go. “Alright. Merry Christmas, Sehun.”
As Christmas day crawled by, Sehun spent it curled up in his bed, wasting hours as he waited for his family members to start filing in through the house.
Staring blankly at his blank bedroom walls, he recalled all the past Christmases and what he wished for every year. When he was eleven, he wished for a dog. When he was thirteen, he wished for his braces to be gone. During his first year of high school, he wanted the latest video game console. And when he was sixteen, he wanted the answers to life.
That year, he silently wished for Luhan.
Silently wishing for things to be and forever injecting himself with fantasies was both the infection and the cure of Sehun’s problems.
Fear of the unknown and possible rejection had caused him to live bitterly in the cycle with no end. There were a thousand words waiting to spill out and speak for how he felt, but behind him was a cold shadow bearing over him and holding him back.
With its strings, it sewed his mouth shut. It binded his hands from grabbing opportunities and it tied his legs together, hindering him from running after what he wanted.
Winter passed, and along with the snow melted Sehun’s care.
He had hated himself for long enough because of the fact that he was too much of a coward to speak up. It was painful to think about Luhan romantically when he knew that he didn’t have the courage do anything about it. His eyes grew weary of yearning for his friend every time he saw him, and his heart was tired of aching whenever he saw Jongin and Luhan together.
He was done.
Building up four walls around him, Sehun moved on.
Sehun passed through the last semester of high school just fine. He no longer paid any mind to Luhan and Jongin. He pushed himself off to the side to become more and more irrelevant to Luhan, which in turn, turned him truly indifferent to whatever Luhan did.
His stomach no longer fluttered and his heart became stationed. It wasn’t all by will, but rather through the chains that he had used to sink all his feelings and thoughts to death.
After high school, Sehun never saw much of Luhan anymore. Moving in separate ways and marching to different dumb beats, the bond that was once there eventually thinned out to a point where it no longer existed.
While Sehun went off to one university, Luhan went to another.
During this time apart, Sehun used it to bury everything that he ever felt. He’d try and push everything aside, busying himself with his part-time job, school, homework, and social life, but from time to time, he’d lie on his bed at the end of the day and realize that he forgot to forget.
The first postcard Sehun received in the mail came around Christmas time, a year from the moments he spent alone wishing for his unrequited love. It came to him as a surprise seeing as how he rarely spoke to Luhan anymore--much less knew what he was currently up to.
As he sat in his college dormitory room, he stared at the generic Christmas postcard photo plastered on the front before turning it back and reading Luhan’s message. Besides the generic Christmas greeting, Luhan wrote about how much he regretted their lack of connection. He went on to talk about how university life had been for him as well as how his relationship with Jongin has progressed. That part Sehun didn’t care much for.
In fact, as much as he knew that the feeling in his stomach meant he cared, Sehun set the card aside and eventually threw it away the next day.
Life had a way of making fun of Sehun.
His New Year’s resolution was to fall in love with someone new and two months later, he met someone. His name was Byun Baekhyun and Sehun met him when he decided to tag along with a few of his friends to a karaoke bar.
Their relationship was very calm. It wasn’t too exciting nor was it awkwardly boring. They kissed and made love a few times. It was great, except for the fact that Sehun thought he was trying too hard just to feel something extraordinary like he did with Luhan. In a way, he knew that Baekhyun felt the same.
They were both content, but not entirely satisfied. Five months into their relationship, they broke up on mutual grounds.
Apparently, the giant, curly haired friend that always hung around Baekhyun had finally broken down and confessed how he felt about their relationship as well as his feelings for Baekhyun himself. A few days after that, Sehun noticed the change in Baekhyun and decided that it was time to stop trying.
They separated soon after. It wasn’t long until he caught word that the giant and his ex-boyfriend began dating. Oddly enough, he felt happy for them. He admired the giant’s courage to speak up and wondered what would have happened back in high school if he had done the same.
Sehun went home back to his parents’ house for Christmas for the first time in two years. That year, he received nothing from Luhan, but it already seemed as if his former love was just a faded old memory lost in the back of his mind.
But it seemed as if life didn’t want him to forget.
As he was enjoying his family’s company, a knock came at the door and in came Sehun’s past.
“My professors are really strict about everything. I don’t know how I’ve managed everything so far, but I’ve been doing a lot better than I thought I’d be.”
Watching as Luhan took a sip of his hot chocolate drink right next to him, Sehun’s face was stoic when he nodded, indicating that he was listening to the words that came out of Luhan’s perfect mouth.
“You’re smart and you’re capable,” Sehun offered. “You should be confident in yourself.”
Luhan smiled. “That’s nice of you to say, Sehun,” he said. “You haven’t changed much.”
By the way that his heart was beating, Sehun hated the fact that he couldn’t counter the remark. He couldn’t say, “No, you’re wrong. I’ve changed.” It was hard for him to accept the realization. In the end, he just nodded slightly.
Sighing deeply, Luhan leaned back against the couch and tilted himself so that his head was resting on Sehun’s shoulders. “I've missed you, Sehun,” he said quietly.
A second passed before Sehun responded. “I've missed you, too.”
“I miss talking to you. We’re both so busy now. I didn’t even have the time to send you another postcard…I’m sorry I haven’t tried much to get in touch with you,” Luhan mumbled. “I do think about you, so don’t think I’ve forgotten you. Do you think about me?”
Honestly, Sehun nodded. “Yeah…” Then he lied. “Sometimes.”
Deciding to change the subject, Sehun asked, “So how’re you and Jongin?” as he purposely nudged Luhan away.
Apologizing quietly, Luhan moved away. “We’re…okay. We’re doing fine.”
“Tell him Merry Christmas for me.”
Pursing his lips inward, Luhan gave Sehun a small smile. “I will.”
They sat in silence as the two of them ran out of words to say. Sehun looked away before he stood up and took both of their cups back in to the kitchen, leaving Luhan alone for a few minutes until he returned.
“You know,” Sehun said, giving Luhan a look. “Every year, I make a wish around the holidays.”
Raising his brows, Luhan took interest. “Really? What do you wish for?”
Sehun blinked, leaving Luhan hanging. “I wish for something I want, of course.”
“You’re no fun,” Luhan laughed, sticking out his tongue and leaving a twinkle in his eye.
Grinning shyly, Sehun sat back down. “However, I will tell you what I want this year.”
Leaning towards Sehun, Luhan exaggerated turned his ear to him. “Tell me.”
Sehun paused for he leaned in and whispered, “This year, I want you to remember how we used to be.” When Luhan pulled back with a solemn look on his face, Sehun went on, no longer whispering. “I want you to remember how you and I were so close. It’ll keep our relationship alive, you know? We don’t talk much anymore and this is the first time I’ve seen you in person in years. It feels cold sometimes when I think about how we are now, so I figure that if you think back to the past, it’ll keep us alive in our memories, you know?”
Luhan continued to give Sehun a look of subtle shock, eyebrows creased and eyes intent on him. Feeling as if he made a mistake, Sehun pulled away. “Sorry,” he muttered. “That was weird--”
Suddenly, Luhan shot out a hand and caught him before he left the couch. “Okay,” he said. “I’ll remember.”
It took a minute before Sehun began to ease back onto the couch. And then he smiled.
For the first time in a long time, one of his holiday wishes was granted.
After that Christmas, Luhan made attempts to start moving their friendship back to how it used to be. Sehun appreciated his efforts, but at the same time, he was beginning to fully feel as he did back in high school. He was becoming the very thing that he had wanted to stray from.
The cycle started again. As calls became more frequent, Sehun found himself looking forward to seeing Luhan’s name popping up on his caller I.D and talking to him about whatever came up. Recently, however, Luhan began to confide in him the problems going on in his relationship with Jongin.
As much as Sehun could care less about the other party, he did care for Luhan’s happiness. Despite how much it pained him to hear about the relations between the couple, he would listen to every word Luhan had to say.
There was a limit as to how much Sehun could take as a human; as a man; and as a friend, who wants to be more than just a “friend”. To him, it seemed as though every conversation he had with Luhan involved Jongin and their couple issues every so and so, and to him, it was irksome.
It annoyed him, it angered him, it made him wonder what Luhan saw in the guy that was so great that it’d make him stay with him, and sadly, it made him hate Luhan.
In his eyes, Luhan had become inconsiderate. He was as blind to how he felt as he was back in their high school years and it drove Sehun’s emotionally mad.
Luhan didn’t understand. He was both blind and deaf. Unable to see the way Sehun looked at him whenever he spoke of Jongin, he was unable to understand why Sehun began to make up excuses not to meet up for coffee once every few months. And unable to hear the shaking of Sehun’s voice over the phone when they spoke, he was deaf to any underlying tones of hurt and longing.
There had been many times that Sehun had told himself that he was done or that he was officially moving on, but it had always been false. The final straw came around when the weather had gone as dry as Sehun’s feelings and as cold as his attitude towards Luhan.
Reluctantly, he agreed to meet up with Luhan for coffee. As the snow fell, he stood outside the shop with his hands in his pockets, waiting for Luhan to arrive, unaware of the puffy eyed mess that would come his way.
When he saw Luhan’s figure in the distance, he leaned off of the wall and turned in his direction. It wasn’t until Luhan was near that Sehun saw that he was crying. Immediately, he was alarmed, running to meet Luhan halfway and taking hold of him by the shoulders.
“Luhan,” Sehun breathlessly said, “What’s wrong? What’s going on? Are you hurt?”
Shaking his head, Luhan covered his teary eyes. “No…”
“Did…Did something happen?”
With quivering lips, Luhan let out a cry as he shoved himself in Sehun’s arms. Instinctively, Sehun covered him with his arms, holding him close as he cried.
“He cheated…” a broken voice cried out. “Jongin cheated on me…”
Sehun froze, feeling numb. The first desire that came up inside of him was to murder the man. Jongin had the very thing he had been silently desiring from afar, but with one decision, decided to throw it all away as if the treasure that he had was nothing.
His fingers moved to hold Luhan tighter, but suddenly, his ears heard a tiny voice pitying itself.
“What’d I do wrong…?” Luhan said in a muffled voice. “What did I do?”
With his jaw locked, Sehun slowly dropped his hold. “What?”
“It’s my fault,” Luhan cried. “It’s mine. I know it. I should’ve done something. I should’ve--”
Shaking his head in disbelief, Sehun scoffed and looked away. And then he pushed Luhan off, confusing him.
Speaking about how he felt was never something that Sehun could do easily. It was never in his ability to muster up enough courage to say what he thought or to verbally express how he felt, but in that moment, he had enough. He opened his lips, hands clenched and eyes glaring at the male in front of him, and said, “I hate you.”
Luhan furrowed his brows. “What…?”
“I hate you, Luhan,” Sehun said, laughing bitterly. “God, I hate you so much.”
Luhan’s breath was caught in his throat. “W-What do you mean?”
Finally, all the words Sehun had ever wanted to say spilled out.
“You’re so fucking blind!” he snapped. “You’re so fucking blind towards me! And even that cheating boyfriend of yours! You don’t see it, do you!? You don’t see how I hate listening to you talk on and on about this asshole!? You can’t fucking hear me getting angry at you for everything that guy does wrong but you take the blame for!?”
With his chest heaving, Luhan took a step forward, reaching for him. “Sehun--”
Sehun moved out of his reach. “No. I hate you,” he gritted, fighting the tears that threatened to form. “You don’t see the way your eyes change depending on the light of the sun. You don’t understand how your voice is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. And you want to know what’s sad? You will never see how right it feels to have you in my arms. But you know what? I do...”
“I know exactly what the colors of your eyes are. I know what they are depending on the time of day, season, and weather. Your voice is angelic and your brain makes you a genius, Luhan,” Sehun said softly. “God only knows what you do to me every time you touch my hand, hug me, or lean against me…”
“I hate you, but at the same time, you should know,” Sehun said in a breaking voice, “you should know that I’ve been in love with you all this fucking time, and that’s why you’re blind. You never saw me secretly wishing that you’d somehow be mine back in high school, and you sure as hell still don’t now.”
Taking a step back, Sehun shook his head. “But you know, the fact that your boyfriend cheated on you is not your fault. It will never be your fault. So if you’re wondering why I pushed you away, it’s because I can’t fucking stand you berating yourself for that guy. If he cheated? Then fuck him. You’re so beautiful, I’m afraid to touch you sometimes. But if that guy has the nerve to throw you off to the side like that, then, Luhan, move on. You deserve better. Don’t think that it’s your fault. It’s not worth your precious time…”
Reaching into his coat’s pocket, Sehun took out a clean handkerchief and gently wiped Luhan’s face. Neither of them said a word to each other as Sehun did so, leaving all of the words to hang in the frigid air. Then he took Luhan’s hand and gave it to him.
As Sehun heaved a sigh, he lifted his eyes to gaze in Luhan’s eyes one last time. With a heavy heart that was depressed and weighed, he pursed his lips and drifted back.
“I told you that every year I make a wish during the holidays. You asked me what I wished for, and I told you that I wished for things that I wanted,” Sehun said in a small voice.
Without tearing his eyes off of Luhan’s, Sehun whispered his last confession before leaving.
When Sehun finally left, it was then that he was the one who had become blind. With his back turned against Luhan and as the distance between them increased, Sehun failed to see the crystals tracing down Luhan’s cheeks as he was left dead in the heart by Sehun’s final words.
“Three years ago, while I was lying in bed on Christmas day after I delivered your gift, I wished for you. And last year, I wished for you to remember us. But this year, Luhan… All I want is for you to be happy and for me to finally forget you...”