Sehun woke up from the need of water. When his eyes wretch themselves open, he notice that his surrounding wasn’t that of his room and to him—as groggy as his mind was at the moment—he knew that it only meant one thing: he relapsed. He stayed in a frozen position, trying to remember what went on during his high, but like all the other times, he couldn’t remember.
Sehun rolled on his side and elevated his upper body using his elbows. He saw the water next to him and grabbed it, taking it to his lips, drinking every single drop. Then, he set the glass back, sat up with his back hunched, and just stared at the sheets on him. He felt stinging in his eyes and only realized he was crying when he tasted the salty drop on his lips. Despite being unable to remember how he got to Chanyeol’s house, or what he did in the course of his expedite, Sehun remembered one thing: “No”.
His hands clenched at the sheets in anger, but immediately let go to tend to his eyes, rubbing and covering them with his forearm. “Fuck this,” he muttered frustratingly. When Sehun got rid of the annoying drops, he switched to prevention mode, trying to prevent more from coming out. He threw the covers off of him and put his feet on the floor. He used the bed as a structure of balance until he was perfectly orientated. Then, he went for the door.
Once he was out of that room that he hated waking up in, he patted his pockets, and—as he expected—he didn’t feel his keys. That crossed the possibility of him driving himself over to Chanyeol’s house—not that he was stupid enough to do that anyways.
Sehun took his time going down the stairs. He went over to the kitchen, being as hungry as he was, and thought about requesting something from the cook, but decided he could wait until he got to his own house. Sehun walked to the door, but only touched the handle before Chanyeol’s voice came from behind him.
“Yah, where do you think you’re going?” Chanyeol demanded.
“Home,” Sehun curtly replied with his back still turned to Chanyeol.
Chanyeol didn’t immediately respond, thinking about whether or not he should let Sehun go just like that. All those other times he had, but this time, he felt like he needed to step in for once and not be passive. “Sehun, you can’t do that again.”
Sehun shrugged. “Sudden lapse of judgment, Yeol.”
“Whether it was a sudden lapse or a gradual one, I don’t care, brat,” Chanyeol said, walking to Sehun and towering him. “You know I’d never turn you away, but I thought you said you stopped.”
“Then what the fuck was yesterday?”
“A sudden—” Sehun cocked his head at every syllable “—lapse in judgment.”
“Well then, get your shit together, Sehun, because the next time this happens, I don’t wanna have to get cockblocked by the police telling me that you died,” Chanyeol stated. The two silently stared at each other for a minute before Sehun saw a figure in the background. “One of the help’s going to drive you home. Get rid of that shit, Sehun. Deal with the fucking issue. Quit using that pill to make yourself happy because once you’re off of it, you’re going to feel like shit again.”
Sehun clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes. “Sure.”
Sehun opened the door and was about to step out, but Chanyeol grabbed him by the arm. “I’m serious, brat.” Sehun glanced at him, blank-faced, then pulled his arm away and began to walk out to the porch. Chanyeol turned to Sehun’s assigned driver and nodded. “Make sure he gets inside his house properly.”
The man nodded and proceeded to walk out, following Sehun. Chanyeol watched the two and watched as Sehun got into the backseat of the black car that was parked in the front earlier just for his return home. Chanyeol sighed and shook his head before shutting the door. Then, he sent Baekhyun a text telling him that Sehun was going home, though he highly doubted he was going to get an answer.
When Sehun got home, he didn’t greet the worried help who had seen his wild actions and heard his outbursts in his room for the majority of his high. He went upstairs without a word being said. He had done some thinking as he was being driven.
Hadn’t he told himself that he’d go after Luhan after three weeks since that day? Sehun remembered that he had, but that text put a little damper in his plan. What if Luhan was being serious? Sehun cursed. He wondered what he had done to get this type of treatment…
Unit two; Apartment eighteen…The address echoed in Sehun’s head. He had gotten the information from Baekhyun a while back and he didn’t forget it. He memorized it.
No matter what Luhan said or what he’d done, Sehun wasn’t going to drop that bastard that easily. Was he being annoying? A nuisance? Sehun didn’t care anymore. He just wanted Luhan. Because without him—to Sehun—there was no such thing as life.
Sehun made up his mind. He entered his room—messed up as fuck—and threw open his closet door. Grabbing a backpack, he stuffed a few shirts in there, a pair of pants, sock, and underwear—though he debated on this one.
Quickly, he then changed into different clothes. He didn’t try too hard. He put on a shirt, threw a jacket over that, and jeans. Sehun walked over to his desk, grabbed his wallet and checked the amount of cash inside, which was more than enough. He took his phone and charger before he grabbed his keys, turned, picked up the backpack, threw that on his back, and left his room.
He wasn’t back at his house for more than fifteen minutes before he was out the door again. To the nearest maid, he told her that he’d be gone for a while. The look on her face made it seem as though she thought he was running away so Sehun was more specific, telling her that he’d be back in a few days. That still didn’t put the help at ease.
The car was backed out of the driveway in haste, though Sehun was sufficiently careful. Alone, Sehun drove himself to the train station. He memorized the stops and the place, but when Sehun was asked where he wanted to go, Sehun almost said, “Where Luhan is,” to the ticket seller.
Sitting alone on a bench, Sehun thought he was crazy for doing what it was that he was doing. He was skipping school, which wasn’t anything new or surprising, but he was doing it for an asshole who—supposedly—didn’t love him anymore. Sehun kept telling himself that Luhan’s “no” was complete and utter bullshit. He called it. It was his gut feeling.
It was the loud, raunchy roar of the incoming train’s horn that made Sehun’s head snap up. His train arrived, coming to a stop, and Sehun stood up from his seat, gripping the backpack’s strap in his hand. He felt kind of stupid. Like a kid travelling on his own for the first time, but, like everything else, he didn’t care anymore. He just wanted Luhan.
While on the train, Sehun fought with himself on whether or not he should text Luhan. He knew the action was futile and that there was a fat, shitty chance that he’d actually get a response, but Sehun thought, “To hell with it,” and moved his fingers to slip his phone out of his pocket.
Hey. I wasn’t expecting that answer, Lulu. I don’t understand you. Are you mad for forcing myself on you that day?
Luhan, tell me what’s going on. You know I don’t like being kept in the dark. I hate it there. Are you in some kind of trouble? If you are, you know I can help you. I’m sorry I acted that way on that day if that’s what you’re mad about. I couldn’t help it… I just saw you and I was angry, you know that. I was angry then, and I’m angry now, too, but I’m more hurt than I’m angry…
You keep pushing me away when you don’t want to—I know you don’t want to, Luhan.
Sehun was about to start on another text, but he was interrupted by a reply.
Why can’t you leave me the fuck alone?
Sehun felt a sting in his chest.
You know why…
I don’t love you, Sehun.
I know that’s bullshit.
How would you know?
Sehun laid back in his seat.
I know from the way you and I touch, that’s how.
Luhan had sent another text message, but Sehun didn’t want to know what was written in it. He didn’t think he could handle another stab in the heart if that text rejected his point. Without opening the text, Sehun swiped his thumb over the message and deleted it.
[Sent] You’re really an idiot, Sehun-ah…
Luhan was still feeling down even though that texting session happened and ended and hour ago. Watching entertainment shows with his roommate, Xiumin, wasn’t helping the downturn of his day.
“Luhan, maybe you should just talk to this kid,” Xiumin said. The two of them were sitting on the couch with Luhan’s legs on his lap as his body laid on the structure. “You’re obviously depressed over this. He obviously is. How many times a day does your phone ring?”
“Exactly,” Xiumin sighed. He reached over, grabbed the remote, and lowered the volume. “Maybe if you told him—”
“—I’ve been telling him, fat cheeks,” Luhan grumbled, earning a glare from Xiumin. “You know about me, right? My oh-so notorious high school activities.”
“Yup,” Xiumin drawled. “What about it?”
“Well, he was supposed to just be another client,” Luhan said, looking at the ceiling. “I don’t know what the fuck happened. Anyways, for a moment, I thought it’d be okay for us to be together.” Luhan looked to Xiumin. “Did you know that he’d ask me out every fucking week? I swear…It was cute, too. Every single Monday, after school, he’d ask me…”
“Did you ever say yes?” Xiumin asked, raising a brow. “I’m guessing not because if you had, you wouldn’t be here sulking.”
Luhan jolted Xiumin’s body with his foot. “Shut up,” he huffed. “At one point in time, I was going to say yes…But, as destiny would have it, the week before, I heard a few things that swayed me. For one, I heard a few bitches and fuckers talking about him behind his back just because he was seen with me a lot. They called him a ‘whore’s whore’ for fuck’s sake!”
“That must’ve bothered you…”
“People could call me whatever the hell they wanted, but when they involved Sehun in, I wasn’t going to put up with it,” Luhan said. “I didn’t beat them up or anything—I fucking wanted to, though. But, their words did get to me and I kind of started to see things from a different point of view—oh! Then I found out that his parents were in the public eye—”
“—If they were in the public eye, Luhan, how come you didn’t know about them?” Xiumin asked, giving Luhan a look.
Luhan rebutted with his own facial expression. “I wasn’t into television. Anyways, they weren’t that big in name back then, but I knew that one day they would be. If they climbed higher and higher up that social ladder, then that would mean that Sehun would, too. Everything about him would be under scrutiny and if I was with him, then I’d just taint him.”
“Why do you keep saying you’ll taint this or you’ll taint that?” Xiumin looked straight at Luhan. “Why do you use the word ‘tainting’?”
Luhan put a small grin on his face, though his eyes weren’t smiling. “Cause I’m a bad person, Xiu.”
“No, you’re not,” Xiumin argued, raising his voice.
“Ah, thank you, baby. You’re such a good boyfriend,” Luhan laughed as he lifted his foot up to Xiumin’s face.
Xiumin pushed the limb away. “Yah! Are you still telling people I’m your boyfriend? How long are you gonna keep that lie up?”
“Until it reaches Sehun’s ears.”
“I don’t think he’s going to give a shit whether or not you have a boyfriend,” Xiumin said, rolling his eyes. “He’ll probably kill said boyfriend.”
“Which is you.”
“Yeah, which is me,” Xiumin confirmed. “If I’m found dead somewhere, just know that it’s your fault.”
“Okay,” Luhan said, grinning.
The two resumed to watching television and the stupid programing on it for ten minutes until a few hard knocks were given at their door. Xiumin looked over at Luhan. “Are you expecting someone?”
Luhan thought about it. He wasn’t. That disgusting professor of his didn’t make visits on Tuesday evenings. “No…Are you?”
Xiumin shook his head. Luhan swung his feet on the floor with the intent on opening the door, but Xiumin beat him to it, gently pushing him back down on the couch. “I’ll get it,” he said, walking across the room to the door. It took a few moments for Xiumin to undo the locks and get the door open. He couldn’t even get a word—or a greeting—in before the person on the other side began talking.
“Luhan? Luhan, I—who are you?”
“Uhhh.” Xiumin felt uncomfortable with the look the stranger was giving him. He turned his head back to Luhan, who creased his brows and was raising himself slowly from the seating area. “I’m, uh, his—”
Luhan interrupted by pulling Xiumin back by the shoulders, causing him to the pull the door wider. “Sehun?”
Sehun craned his neck until the door was open enough for him to stop. “Luhan…I…Who was that?” he asked, breathless.
Luhan ignored the question. “What the hell are you doing here, idiot?” He tried his best to put up an angry tone, but the happiness, and bitterness was hard to keep down.
“I came to see you since you wouldn’t answer me ninety percent of the time—” Sehun was still distracted “—Who was that, Luhan?”
He came here to see me? After all that ignoring and blow offs? Luhan wanted to cry. Sehun, why did you have to go this far? Luhan had to snap out of it though. He needed to get back into the mindset. This was Sehun. The entire goal was to separate from him—even if it hurt.
Luhan gulped and glanced at Xiumin, who was giving him a look as if begging him not to use the boyfriend excu—“Sehun, he’s my boyfriend.”
The look on Sehun’s face was the same as that of a dead man who no longer had life in him. “What...”
“He’s…” Luhan looked down. “He’s been my boyfriend for months, Sehun. You have to—”
“—Months!?” Sehun’s voice was rising—and cracking. “Luhan, what about—”
Luhan knew what he was referring to and glanced to the side. “That was nothing,” he said, though it tasted bitter on his mouth. “I was away for a while, you were there, it just happened.”
Sehun didn’t say anything for a long time. It made Luhan wonder why. Luhan raised his head and was confronted with the worst thing he’d ever laid his eyes on. Sehun’s eyes stung, his lips were thin and pursed. His hands had clenched themselves. To Luhan, the sight tore his heart out as much as he had torn out Sehun’s with words.
Luhan regretted things the moment he saw Sehun that way and tried to reach out and touch him, but Sehun smacked the hand away. “I hate you so much right now, Luhan…” Sehun whimpered angrily. “I hate that I feel this way over someone like you. You knew that I loved you—then and now, you fucking knew.” Sehun took a moment to control himself to a point where he could talk without his voice breaking. “Do you enjoy pushing me away—I’ve done everything. I’ve fucking begged you. I’ve been a fucking mess the moment you left, but you wouldn’t know that, because that’s the thing—you left. And then…and then, you came back. Shit—I thought I had you back again, but you go right back, repeating what you did a year ago, and you…you’re this,” he said, motioning a hand to Luhan. “You’re some sort of sadistic fuck, I swear.” Sehun snapped and gave a bitter laugh. “I bet you laugh when I text and call you, don’t you? You enjoy seeing me like this.”
“Sehun, it’s not—”
Sehun wouldn’t have it though. He shook his head and turned. “Never mind. I’m sorry I came. This was stupid.” He turned his head back to Luhan for a second. “Do me a favor, Lulu? Could you laugh behind my back when I’m gone and not while I walk away? Thanks…”
Luhan was left speechless. He wanted to run after Sehun, who walked away in a hurry, as if he couldn’t be there anymore—which was partially the truth. Luhan wanted to cry for him to come back; to confess everything to him; to hug him; to love him, but Luhan couldn’t. Because in all retrospect, this was the outcome he wanted. Sehun was finally gone.