Tears and Rain
It wasn’t even a second after Chanyeol muttered the direction Baekhyun pivoted to that Sehun was off in a run in the same direction. It took a moment after seeing Sehun go for it locked in Chanyeol’s mind to run after the two. He ran his way after them, but couldn’t find either of the two as he turned the corner. Chanyeol cursed and placed his hands on his hips, angry. He didn’t know where the two went off, and that gnawed at his insides badly. He gritted his teeth and shook his head before going back to where he came from, remembering that he wasn’t supposed to be doing the chasing. Baekhyun was obviously struck by what he saw. That was the entire goal. But, Chanyeol wasn’t so sure if what he saw on Baekhyun’s face was jealousy or something else…
In Baekhyun’s mind, the things that happened next passed by in a large blur. Sehun had caught him, dragged him down the flights of stairs, and took him home. And, at that moment, Baekhyun found himself at home, on his own bed, with Sehun on top of him with his lips slanted over his own.
The way Sehun was kissing him wasn’t rough. There was tongue involved and Baekhyun could feel Sehun inside his mouth, but even that wasn’t aggressive. The action seemed sympathetic and Baekhyun knew that that was all it was. When Sehun broke the contact, he looked in Baekhyun’s eyes before gently placing his head against Baekhyun’s neck.
“Still thinking about him?” Sehun asked in a muffled mutter. His eyes fluttered as he felt Baekhyun breathing under him.
Baekhyun gave a small nod. “It doesn’t feel the same, Sehun…” he said in a tired whisper.
“No use in using my body, huh?” Sehun asked, smirking against Baekhyun’s neck. Baekhyun could feel his facial movement and gave a small smirk.
“No…” Baekhyun quirked a brow. “Where’d you get the notion of making someone feel better by using your own body, by the way?”
“Eh,” Sehun grumbled as he shrugged. “Someone used to do the exact same thing to me.”
“Ah…” Sehun rolled off of Baekhyun and lied on the space next to him. Both of them turned their attention to the ceiling. “A former third year…He graduated last year.”
“Oh…” A silence passed between them. “Are you still together?”
The question struck home to Sehun. He wanted to say yes, but he wasn’t sure where his relationship with Luhan stood at the moment. “I don’t know. He’s being distant to me right now. I don’t really wanna talk about it,” he grumbled.
“It’s fine,” Sehun sighed. He paused for a moment. “I didn’t think we’d have anything in common, Byun. Turns out we do. We both have the shorter end of the stick.”
“But since I’m that idiot’s friend—” Sehun turned his head to Baekhyun, “—I’m obligated to tell you to try again.”
“I don’t think I can,” Baekhyun said, sounding crushed. “I don’t— I don’t want to face him. I don’t want to go up to him with that gorgeous girl next to him. I don’t think he knows how much that hurts.”
Sehun blinked at the guy lying next to him. The words he said echoed in Sehun’s mind. He wasn’t aware that the tiny stunt would impact Baekhyun like this. Normally, Sehun wouldn’t have cared. But, oddly enough, through a few interactions, Sehun felt like he and Baekhyun were on the same boat.
“He would’ve known if you were more open, maybe.”
“I’m not good with feelings.”
A second later, the two let a burst of laughter out. To Baekhyun, hearing Sehun laugh was nice. He had never heard the guy laugh in all his years. It was pleasant.
“Hey, can I ask you something?” Sehun asked. He rose from the bed and looked down at Baekhyun, whose back was still on the mattress. “How come you never formally told me that you liked me?”
“I did!” Baekhyun said, raising an eyebrow. “I wrote you a letter.”
“I didn’t get it,” Sehun replied, curious.
“I put it in—ah, yeah. Of course you didn’t.” Baekhyun clicked his tongue and ruffled his hair. “I put it in the locker that I thought was yours. It ended up being Chanyeol’s.”
“I guess you saw me use his locker a few times.”
“Yeah,” Baekhyun said, shrugging. He looked off to the side. “That letter kind of started this entire thing.”
Sehun stared at Baekhyun before giving him a small shove. “Then write another one.”
“To you?” Baekhyun asked, confused.
“No.” Sehun shook his head. “For Yeol.”
“I-I don’t know.”
“You said you didn’t want to see him. If you tell him in writing, you won’t have to see that dick’s face,” Sehun pointed out. “If he doesn’t read it, then I can always make him.”
“Maybe,” Baekhyun said giving Sehun a small grin. “Want me to promise you?”
“I don’t really believe in promises, Byun,” Sehun replied. “Just do it, got it?”
Baekhyun blinked at the bluntness, but nodded nonetheless. “Alright.”
“Write it tonight.”
Again, a calm silence was born. Sehun turned from Baekhyun and stared ahead of him, thinking. “Byun, can I ask you something? For me?”
Baekhyun looked at Sehun and pushed his body off the bed. “Yeah.”
“Can you tell me where Luhan’s apartment is?”
That night, Baekhyun stayed up and went to bed at around twelve-thirty in the morning. Writing Sehun that letter was hard, but writing one for Chanyeol was more of a challenge. No paper was wasted. Baekhyun wasn’t going to go through the process of making it seem perfect, because in his mind, their relationship wasn’t perfect; he wasn’t perfect, so why should the letter be?
Groggy eyed, Baekhyun stared at his first and final draft. He gulped as he hurried to put it in an envelope before losing the nerve to even keep the piece of paper. Unlike with Sehun’s letter, Baekhyun didn’t put his stamp imprint on the envelope. He stuffed the letter in his backpack, staring at it for minutes on end before crawling into bed.
Baekhyun contemplated whether or not he should slip the letter in during the morning or after school. He wasn’t sure whether or not Chanyeol used his locker in morning, but Baekhyun figured Chanyeol didn’t since he’d always be in the hall every morning and never see the giant around.
He waited the entire day, then waited for most of the students to leave before heading to the empty locker hall. Baekhyun counted down the numbers on the lockers until he neared Chanyeol’s. It felt like déjà vu, but with different intentions.
Baekhyun stood in front of the locker with the letter one-fourth in through the slit. His hands were shaking. He knew he had to just give the letter one more push and that was all it’d take to get the job done, but Baekhyun was hesitating so bad, he didn’t know how long he had been standing in that frozen position when he heard Lay’s voice from behind, startling him enough to pull the letter back out.
“Yah, Byun, what’re you doing here? Do you need a ride? What’s that?” Lay asked so many questions that Baekhyun, who was still shaking, had a hard time getting this thoughts together and began to stutter. Lay grinned and put a hand on his shoulder. “Calm down, now. Breathe.”
Baekhyun nodded and did as Lay told him. “I…I was dropping something off,” he said when he was more composed.
“Which is…that? That piece of paper,” Lay said, nodding to the letter in Baekhyun’s hand.
“It’s just a letter that I—ugh. I just can’t slip it in that stupid thing,” Baekhyun said, rubbing a hand on his forehead while glancing over to Chanyeol’s locker.
Lay looked in the direction Baekhyun was glancing at and notice the locker number out to be Park Chanyeol’s. He frowned for a second, but Baekhyun didn’t catch it, because before Baekhyun could, Lay’s grin was back on his face. “Want me to do it for you? Slip it in, I mean.”
Baekhyun froze and looked up at Lay. Suddenly, a smile broke. “Could you? I…I don’t know. I just can’t seem to get my shit together.”
“Hey, what can you do?” Lay said, shrugging. “No one ever has their shit together.” Baekhyun chuckled and slowly held the letter out to Lay. Lay took it with a hand. “I’m guessing this is kind of important if you can’t get yourself to put it in.”
Baekhyun glanced down. “Yeah. Kinda.”
Lay nodded understandingly. “I got you,” he said, giving Baekhyun a wink. He turned to the locker and was in the midst of putting it in when Baekhyun looked away.
“Ah, shit, I can’t watch this. This is just embarrassing,” Baekhyun admitted. “Just drop it in and tell me when you’re done, please?”
“That’s fine,” Lay told him. When Lay knew that Baekhyun was completely looking the other away, he took the letter out of the locker’s opening and folded it in half before he swiftly put it in his back pocket. When he was done, he patted Baekhyun on the back. “Yah, it’s done.”
“Ah, shit, shit, shit,” Baekhyun muttered. He glanced up, trying to calm his nerves. “Okay…Okay, so I guess all I have to do is wait…” He turned his head to Lay. “Thanks.”
Lay grinned even more before ruffing up Baekhyun’s perfect hair. “My pleasure.”
In the letter, Baekhyun wrote a specific time and location on where to meet. The weather on the day that he chose to meet with Chanyeol turned out to be the worst one in the week. By the time school was done, the skies grew dark, preparing to rain.
Baekhyun was both excited and nervous. What if Chanyeol doesn’t come? Then I’ll have no choice than to accept that fact that he’s over me and I fucked up…Baekhyun grimaced. He really wanted Chanyeol to show up. He wanted his giant back. He wanted to be the center of his world again.
When Kyungsoo asked him if he needed a ride home, Baekhyun shook his head, gambling that Chanyeol—by the time that they were finished—would drive him home in his car. Kyungsoo let the subject go, but ended up lending Baekhyun his umbrella in case his planned ride ended up not falling through. Baekhyun took it, doubtful that he’d even use it.
On the school grounds, there was bench near the school’s garden, shaded by a large oak tree. That’s where Baekhyun scurried to once the final bell rang. He even fought for a place in the locker room showers to avoid delay. He had combed his hair neatly once, but decided he looked to ridiculous and ended up carelessly brushing it to the side and ruffling it up with his hand a bit.
Sitting on the bench, Baekhyun looked at his watch. I’m ten minutes early—Baekhyun gripped the bench with his hand. He was either too excited or too nervous. He didn’t know. He glanced up at the sky and noticed the foreboding clouds. Ah, stupid weather…
Minutes passed when Baekhyun checked his watch again. He’s supposed to be here already…Baekhyun frowned. I’m expecting too much. He’ll be here…That giant’ll be here…
The sky began to sprinkle light drops when Baekhyun checked his watch once again. Ten minutes…He’s running ten minutes late…Baekhyun could feel his spirits die a bit. Where are you, Yeol…
Twenty minutes passed and the rain had picked up. Baekhyun was livid as a steady fall of water droplets fell on him. His clothes were getting wet and so was his bag, which he had begun to hug around the time Chanyeol was running twelve minutes later than the time Baekhyun wrote down.
By the time thirty-five minutes passed, Baekhyun could no longer tell whether or not it was the rain running down his face or the tears coming out from his eyes.
By forty minutes, he had enough of sitting in the rain waiting for nothing to come. He hugged his bag tightly to his chest and ran towards the school building with his eyes stinging from the products of his sad emotions. Once he was inside, he wheezed and he huffed, trying to calm himself. No matter how hard he tried, though, he couldn’t. He still whimpered and sniffled often as he made his way to his cubby to get that umbrella he was sure he wouldn’t need to use.
He felt stupid; absolutely ridiculous. He felt stupid for having hopes and for being slow on realizing shit that had always been there. He hated missing opportunities. He hated thinking about lost opportunities. His success in the past always outweighed his failures, but this was one failure that Baekhyun couldn’t get over, no matter the past successes he had under his belt. Losing Chanyeol, his giant, was the biggest lost opportunity he had ever let slip through his shaking fingers.
When Baekhyun took the umbrella, he didn’t think his day could’ve gotten any worse. It sunk even more when he heard a deep laugh behind him, followed by a soft giggle. He turned around and saw Chanyeol walking towards the area with the girl he was with yesterday. Both of them were laughing. Both of them were happy. Baekhyun couldn’t take it. He couldn’t help it either when stupid tears sprawled out onto his cheeks.
When Chanyeol turned his head towards the cubby area, he was immediately struck in the chest by what he saw: Baekhyun soaking wet; his eyes were red; tears were dripping down his face; his lips were quivering.
At the sound of his name, Baekhyun scowled, looked away and ran out the door, back out into the rain. He didn’t even open his umbrella until he was ten meters out from the school’s roof, but he didn’t care. He was already dripping wet anyways. He just wanted to get away…
I didn’t know whether ot or not I should write you one, but Sehun suggested it. I’m a coward, you know that, right? I’m sorry. I’m just really hard headed when it comes to feelings. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, you giant idiot. I’m not good with words either. Or actions. I’m a fucking freaking top student. I know how to study. I know how to ace tests. But when it comes to you, I don’t know what to do, how to feel, or what to think. God, you have no idea how embarassing this is— I’m sorry, Yeol. I’m sorry I kissed Sehun twic that night, but you shouldn’t have punched hi—but without him, I don’t think I would've realize for sure how I felt about you. You wouldn’t listen to me and then you acted really cold, which hurt, I hope you know, I’m not even going to hide that. I’ve been so depressed; I keep thinking that you’ve thrown me away already. I know you’ve been walking around with that new girl. I know you wanted me to see that. I can’t tell if you really like her though, but I’m secretly hoping that you don't—Anyways, Park—Chanyeol, I’m sorry that it took me a while. You should know that I’m slow when it comes to you. Maybe you’ve already moved on and maybe you don’t even give a shit care anymore, but I like… I loee I love you. Okay, let’s never mention this again. That’s all I really had to say. I’m sorry. This letter is crap compared to the one I wrote Sehun, but you know—yeah okay. I’m sorry. I didn’t draft this and even though it’s shorter than Sehun’s letter, this took me longer to get down so you better appreciate it.
So perhaps you moved on already, but if you haven’t, could you meet me under that bench by the school garden? The one with the tree next to it? I saw it when I was on the roof the other day thinking of you and I thought it was a nice place. Come there about ten minutes after school ends two days from now, okay? I mean, if you still want me back. If you don’t then that’s fine, too. This way, if you have moved on, the rejection will be brutal enough for me to give up on you completely.
I’m really hoping that you’ll come, though, Yeol.
Again, I’m sorry.