Climbing of Insecurities
(A/n: sorry for typos ;;)
“You know, I’ve had…other people before, right?”
“So, you know how you’re not exactly my first.”
“And that I’m—”
“Baekhyun, stop,” Chanyeol ordered. Instantly, Baekhyun stopped swinging the hammock when he realized what he had been unconsciously doing. “Stop standing by the tree and swinging the damn hammock. Come here.”
Sighing, Baekhyun shuffled his bare feet against the sand and moved his way to the hammock, climbing in. “As I was saying,” he said, grunting as he settled in the space Chanyeol made for him, “I’m not a virgin.”
“I think this is old news,” Chanyeol said as he had Baekhyun use his arm as a head rest. “I know you’re not.”
Curling up his body, Baekhyun turned on his side so he could clearly see Chanyeol’s face. “I’ve had a lot of guys…and girls…” he said quietly. “Upside down, sixty-nine, reverse, sideways, group—”
“Yes, I know you were quite the sexual vixen,” Chanyeol sighed as he pulled Baekhyun closer and moved pieces of hair out of his face. “I’m pretty sure you’ve made it clear that I’m far from your first.”
Baekhyun aired his cheeks and blew out the air in Chanyeol’s direction. “You’re like number—”
“I really don’t want to know what my customer number is, Baek,” Chanyeol carelessly said.
Blinking, Baekhyun suddenly sat up and turned to Chanyeol with a contorted face. “You’re not a customer, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun said in a voice that shook slightly. “You…” He paused and looked away. “I… Sometimes I feel bad, Chanyeol…”
Chanyeol stared at Baekhyun’s back as the male refused to look back at him. Taking the upper hand, Chanyeol reached up and pulled Baekhyun back down, laying him on his back and turned on his side to make sure that he would have the smaller male’s full attention. “I shouldn’t have said it that way,” Chanyeol mumbled, running his thumb across Baekhyun’s frowning lips.
“You shouldn’t have said a few other things either…” Baekhyun croaked out, reaching up and holding Chanyeol’s hand with his own.
As if struck by the quiet statement, Chanyeol’s hand froze for a second before he continued to lightly brush it against Baekhyun’s cheek. “What else have I said that you’re upset about?”
With the words stuck in his throat, Baekhyun shook his head. “Nothing.”
Giving Baekhyun a weary look, Chanyeol lifted Baekhyun’s chin. “I sense a liar.”
“I sense Kris wondering where you’re—”
Pinching Baekhyun’s lips shut, Chanyeol shook his head. “No. You’re not going to sidetrack me.”
With a mischievous spark in his eyes, Baekhyun grabbed onto Chanyeol’s wrist and slowly licked the tip of his fingertips as he pulled the hand away. “I don’t mean to sidetrack you.”
“You’re so full of bullshit…” Chanyeol muttered, trying to fight the sensation he was feeling from the small seductive gesture.
“You know what I was once full of?” Baekhyun said slowly in a low voice. Chanyeol expected a loving endearment, but instead, Baekhyun sat up again and rolled off the hammock, leaving the swing going back and forth with Chanyeol left alone in it. “Cock. Different sizes by different people. Size doesn’t really matter—I’ve built the belief that it’s how you use it—Anyways, sometimes it’ll be one, but there’ve been times where it’d be tw—”
Having had enough of Baekhyun’s frequent discourse from the subject at hand and finally infuriated by the reminder that his lover was once a promiscuous individual, Chanyeol got off the hammock as well and stood up, towering over Baekhyun’s hesitating self. “What the hell are you trying to prove?”
Keeping his silence, Baekhyun continued to keep eye contact. Slowly, he backed away—only to back up against a tree. “I’m just telling you—”
“You don’t need to tell me, Baekhyun!” Chanyeol snapped. “I already know. For the love of god, I could write a book based on what you’ve said to me. But you know what?” he asked, pointing a finger, “Instead of going on and on about what I already know, why don’t you just tell me why the hell you’re bringing it up again because I get the feeling that this is the reason for you and your weird attitude lately.”
“My attitude hasn’t been weird lately!” Baekhyun defended.
“Oh, really?” Chanyeol challenged. “A few nights ago, you said no to sex after I tried to initiate—and after you participated halfway through. Ever since that talk with Kris you had in the bathroom, you’ve been a little weird, Baekhyun. What’d he say to you?”
Taking in a deep breath, Baekhyun glanced away. “He didn’t say anything.”
“I’m done with the lies, Baek—”
“He really didn’t,” Baekhyun firmly asserted. “It…” With his chest heaving, Baekhyun curled his hands into fists. “I’m just—”
“Baekhyun, I swear to god, if you don’t tell me what the hell’s going on—”
“I’m a slut, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun said with a feigned laughter. “Of course, I prefer the term ‘selective open lover,’ but maybe that’s just because I don’t like the other label—Are you okay?” Quirking his lips, Baekhyun glanced up at Chanyeol with a small grin. “You look a little angrier than you did a second ago.”
With his jaw tightened, Chanyeol glared down at him. “Did you just call youself—”
“A slut?” Baekhyun shrugged. “Yeah. I’m slut level ten thousand. I think I’ve broken the last slut master’s high score.”
Baekhyun’s attempt to lighten the mood failed as Chanyeol realized what the smaller male was referring to. He stepped forward to try and grab Baekhyun, but Baekhyun moved to the left, evading him. “Baekhyun—”
“Anyways, lately,” Baekhyun said with his voice slowly rising shakily, “I’ve been wondering about a few things—Things about us.”
Baekhyun felt his palm begin to sweat as he continued to slowly take steps back. “I wonder…why you’re with me,” he said softly. Then he laughed, but it was weak and Chanyeol cringed at the sound. “I wonder if you’re disgusted late at night when you hold me. I wonder if you ever wake up in the morning thinking about how I’m such a charity case. I’m sure you probably laugh whenever I go off talking about my romance novels—or maybe when I tell you about my own stupid dreams, but—”
“Damn it, Baekhyun!” Chanyeol cried, taking two steps forward and grabbing Baekhyun by the shoulders. “You overheard me saying you had slut-level experience, but I didn’t mean to—”
“I know,” Baekhyun said, biting his lips. “I know you didn’t mean anything by it—maybe, I don’t know. I don’t know how your mind works, but I don’t think you really did.” He paused. “It just made me think, Yeol…I really want to know if you’re grossed out by it. We’re dating now so I just—I just want to know. Does it bother you?”
Dropping his hold on Baekhyun, Chanyeol did nothing but frown for a minute before angrily looking away. “It’s not that I’m disgusted. It’s not that it bothers me—Hell, this shit’s not even in the back of my mind most of the time. But do you really want to know? Fine. It does bother me. It bothers me that you let yourself be treated like you did. It bothers me that a bunch of fucking pricks put their hands on you for a one night fuck. I can’t stand it when you talk about it either. Why? I don’t want you to dig old shit up like that when you’re with me because you shouldn’t have to.”
Stepping forward again, Chanyeol pointed a finger at Baekhyun’s chest. “I don’t remember giving you permission to make yourself depressed over stupid shit like that. When I say the past’s the past, I mean it. When I say I don’t care, for the majority of the time, yes, I don’t care. I only care when you’re making yourself sad over it, which I don’t want you to be.” Staring into Baekhyun’s attentive eyes, Chanyeol heaved a breath. “And yes, I said ‘slut-level’ which seems to have triggered this entire insecurity fiasco. I’m sorry. I’m an idiot, alright? I’m bad at words and I can’t say certain things right. I’m sorry I’m not fucking Damien from that one book of yours. I’m sorry I’m not fucking Lachlan, the English brute who can’t speak correctly. I’m—”
Chanyeol stopped when Baekhyun suddenly dropped his head down, covering his eyes with his hands. Clearly hearing the smaller male sniffle, Chanyeol cursed under his breath and moved Baekhyun’s hands away to reveal a snotty crying mess. “Why’re you crying?” Chanyeol said in a sharp, but gentler voice. “You’re only supposed to cry if I break up with you—”
“You’re breaking up with me?” Baekhyun cried, getting ready to involuntarily form new tears.
“Fuck—No! Baekhyun, why’re you spontaneously crying?” Chanyeol asked.
Baekhyun tried to pull his hands back in to cover his face, but Chanyeol hindered his attempts. “You…You…” Baekhyun moved his shoulder to wipe his cheek. “You are a very cheesy giant, Chanyeol.”
“You’re the one crying.”
“But you’re the one with the bad romance novel references.”
Chanyeol shrugged. “They’re your books. I never hear the end of them.”
Nodding, Baekhyun sniffled. “You make me happy, Yeol—even if you called Lachlan an English brute. Correction, giant, he was Scottish…”
Scoffing, Chanyeol wiped Baekhyun’s wet eye bags with his thumb. “I don’t care. He speaks gibberish.”
“It’s called a brogue.”
Rolling his eyes, Chanyeol dismissed the correction. “Whatever.” When Baekhyun seemed clear and calm once again, Chanyeol lifted his chin up at him. “Did you hear my message through all your crying, though?”
“Don’t play with me.”
Baekhyun smiled. “I don’t play.”
Smirking, Chanyeol said, “I disagree with that.”
Then the smile on Baekhyun’s face faltered, falling a slight bit. Taking in a breath, he looked as if he was hesitating on saying something, but after a second, he decided to move forth. “I have another thing to say…”
“Then say it before I go crazy figuring you out again.”
“You’re not using me, are you?” Baekhyun asked, blurting it out. “I mean, maybe you were in the beginning. That I understand. Maybe you wanted to live out a maid fantasy or something, but—”
“You’re not just using me because I’m always up for sex, right?” Baekhyun asked, trying not to sound desperate in wanting to know. “I like messing around with you—you’re fantastic, but I just want to know…”
With a stoic face, Chanyeol declared, “This is why you asked to stop having sex, isn’t it.”
With heaving shoulders, Chanyeol shook his head. “Baekhyun, if I didn’t love you beyond your looks and ability to drive me crazy in bed, believe me, I would’ve gotten rid of you a long time ago.”
“Why didn’t you?” Baekhyun asked.
Knowing his reasons in the beginning, Chanyeol glanced away for a second. With nothing truthful to offer, he shrugged. “I…was curious.”
Chanyeol chuckled. “Yeah,” he said. “I was curious about you.” There was truth in those words, and though not fully detailed, Chanyeol knew he wasn’t lying.
After a moment, Baekhyun smiled and nodded. “Okay,” he said. Then he side stepped Chanyeol and walked back to the hammock, jumping back on it. “That felt really nice to say, Chanyeol.”
“Did it?” Chanyeol said, raising a brow. “It took a hell of a lot of pain just to get it over with if you ask me.”
“I don’t remember you getting hurt in the last thirty minutes,” Baekhyun said, staring up at the sky.
When Chanyeol rejoined him, his tall figure overshadowed Baekhyun’s view. “Fun fact, a hard unsatisfied cock hurts like hell.”
“Fun fact, there’s always masturbation,” Baekhyun said laughing.
“Greasy fact, I don’t wanna masturbate,” Chanyeol said as he got back on the hammock, taking the space that Baekhyun made for him. “I’d rather have you.”
Moving his face close to Chanyeol’s, Baekhyun smirked as the hammock swung gently. “That’s sweet.”
Glancing down at Baekhyun’s lips, Chanyeol asked, “Does the no sex rule still stand?”
“It’s just a suggestion,” Baekhyun said.
“I don’t wanna force you to do anything you don’t feel like doing,” Chanyeol said sternly, drawing his eyes to Baekhyun’s.
Baekhyun laughed and quickly kissed Chanyeol’s lips. “It’s okay. I like having fun with you.”
“Having fun or making love?”
Embarrassed, Baekhyun snorted. “Can you not—”
“Answer me, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol teasingly urged.
“Which do you prefer?”
It took a moment, but eventually Baekhyun answered. “I like it when you make love to me.”
Grinning, Chanyeol leaned in and placed a longer kiss on Baekhyun’s tempting mouth. “What a coincidence. I do too.”
“You’re really gross,” Baekhyun said, sighing as he rested his head on Chanyeol’s arm. A moment of silence passed before Baekhyun suddenly announced, “I have another thing to tell you.”
“Is it important?” Chanyeol asked, watching the clouds pass by.
Settling closely next to Chanyeol, Baekhyun nodded slightly. “Yeah…”
After a second, Chanyeol asked, “Can it wait another day? I think we’ve talked enough today. I just wanna lie here with you…” He glanced down. “Is that okay?”
Without saying one opposing word, Baekhyun nodded and put personal matters in the back of his mind for another day. “Yes…It can wait.”